Whacked

My brain is causing things to be whacked for me.

I am feeling so alone right now for no real reason and I hate this.

So many random thoughts went through my mind on my way home. One thought was if I named Amelia the right name. My mom was so adamant about the name Natalie. I just don’t like the name. Then, one day while I was at work, I received a phone call from a customer in Massachusetts and her name was Amelia and that is when I decided on a name. I was toying with the name of Evelyn as well. I have a thing for the old timey names. Amelia’s middle name was something Greg and I agreed on because it sounded right; Amelia Margaret Frye. I still can’t believe that I named a person. Does the name suit her? Will she like it when she’s older? There is so much unknown…

After work I went over to Greg’s work. I ended up hanging out for nearly two hours. We talked about a certain someone and stuff. I have something bothering me and I don’t know why. In a sort, it feels like there is some competition; although I am not competing for or with anything. So frustrating! I tried to explain this to Greg and he’s passive about it. He doesn’t understand, yet frankly I don’t understand why I am feeling this myself and it’s bothering me on the inside.

Greg thinks I am feeling the way I am because there is so much ‘unknown’ going on with us. We don’t know where we’re going to be living come July, I don’t know how much I am making any more since there was an ‘error’ on my proposal letter from HR and they haven’t sent me a new letter, I don’t know how much my first check is going to be, I don’t know when Adam is going to mail the divorce papers, ect.

There is too much stuff going on and this recent death in the family just made things worse. And, I want Greg to be with me but we don’t think he’ll be able to do so because this is Labor Day weekend and five people have already taken this Friday off. I just want him to hold my hand during the funeral. But, at the same time I feel like I am being selfish by wanting him with me when He could be working and earning more money for us. He says I am not being selfish for wanting him to be there for me, even though he’s never met this person. I don’t know.

Work is being really nice about all this time off. My supervisor said I could borrow time so I can have a full 80 hour paycheck. I am still in my probation period and am not allowed to use my vacation, personal, or floating holidays yet. Sp. tjat os nice of them.

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