In response to your e-mail confirming your trip and buying tickets we would like to note a few concerns that came to our attention yesterday while talking to your Dad.
We learned that you have not taken the steps in getting married and since this was our understanding that you were getting engaged Christmas and marriage would follow shortly. Now that this has not occurred it really puts a great deal of difficulties into you coming. We maintain moral ideals that pre-marital sex and living together outside of marriage is morally wrong. It is most difficult for us to understand how you can go nine months of pregnancy and a year with a child without getting your moral life back in order.
If you are truly wanting to come, then take the next step and get your life back in order with a civil marriage at the courthouse and then take the next step in getting your moral life back in order by going to a priest and having your marriage blessed. You really need to think about what is best for Amelia, our great-grandchild and your own spiritual lives. Greg, with what you have been through the last number of years, your spiritual life should be a major concern.
The above is an email Greg received from his granddad on Feb. 4. There was much more in the body, but I omitted that stuff.
A lot of time has passed since the email was received; Greg and I are pretty much, if not completely, over the initial shock we were in.
Thankfully, Greg and I are on the same page about how we feel about the email – we’re not going to change our plans just for his granddad. We feel that if his granddad wants to see his eldest grandson and first great-granddaughter enough as he’s previously expressed, then he is willing to look pass Greg’s supposed “lack of morals”.
Isn’t there a saying “judge not yest be judged”? or something along those lines? Some food for thought…
If you notice, I’ve been referring to only Greg’s granddad since it’s his feelings regarding our visit; the rest of Greg’s family, as far as we know, don’t have any issues about our life choices.
That Monday, when the email arrived, I contacted Denise for some… confirmation I guess… if this is how Greg’s granddad, or grand parents, really are and what should I expect if we visit in May.
Denise confirmed what I thought the case would be; basically, I have a pretty solid expectation that if we visit in May there will be some serious negative undertones from his granddad. Not that he would not like me and or Amelia, but not support the choices that Greg and I have made in our life together.
It’s as if his granddad is completely ignoring the fact that Greg is the happiest he’s ever been (relationship and life); Greg has taken full responsibility of being a Father and has been incredibly supportive (on all levels) of me and Amelia. Greg didn’t run away from parenthood; he didn’t run away, period (he didn’t leave me to do this all alone); Greg is a very active parent (has attend all but one of Amelia’s appointments, takes care of Amelia when I am unable to, and is all around ‘hands on’ with the daily routine and life of Amelia). Don’t get me wrong, Greg and I had some serious conversations about our sudden situation (when I found out I was pregnant and 30 weeks along), such as putting Amelia up for adoption and in the end we decided that having Amelia was going to be the most amazing thing in our life (at the moment) and we couldn’t imagine life without her; she’s given us a purpose, goals that we never thought about, and a completely different outlook for the future.
“If you are truly wanting to come, then take the next step and get your life back in order with a civil marriage at the courthouse and then take the next step in getting your moral life back in order… “
I pretty much took that sentience to mean, in so many words,: You must be legally married, even if by a civil ceremony, to be welcomed for a visit
A few minutes after Greg sent the email he called me at work. I was literally speechless and told him. Then I asked if he wants to have a civil ceremony just to appease his granddad and move on with the plans for a May visit. Initially, Greg didn’t want to talk about thisbecause work was insane on that day and he wanted to just come home and assemble my dresser (more about that on another post *also includes why we had to make TWO Ikea trips this past Sunday*). So, I left it alone.
On Wednesday Greg’s dad calls and wants to speak with me. He explains the conversation that he and his dad (Greg’s dad and granddad) had that sparked the email. Greg’s granddad was mistaken and assumed that Greg and I would marry ASAP after our engagement (only because Amelia is in our lives – not because we actually love each other) and when Greg’s dad was talking to his dad (Greg’s granddad) and was asked about our wedding plans (reading: have we wed yet) and Greg’s dad told his dad that he didn’t know – thus came the email. Greg’s Dad and I talked at length (about 45 minutes) about the email, his parents and their beliefs, what Greg and I are planning for our wedding, his visit to MD (possible). It was a very nice conversation and the longest he and I have spoken to each other; which he even commented (since his visit last year was mostly focused on his boys and Amelia).
I told Greg that I would be fine with having a civil ceremony if he wanted to and continue with our plans for a reception, but I wouldn’t celebrate that date (of the civil ceremony) as our wedding anniversary – our wedding date, to me, would be the date we host our wedding reception and ‘ceremony’. I told this to Greg’s Dad as well and he said he understood me.
This, all of the above, was part of that ‘soap opera’ for a life feeling I had last week.
Fast Forward to today…
There have been no changes. No other forms of communication from Greg’s granddad. Greg just got off the phone with his Dad about us coming out in May (to make sure it fits in with his school schedule). So, at the moment, it looks like we won’t be going to Mobile, AL. And, I’m fine with that. It’s their (or his, the granddad) choice to put our life style before the opportunity to visit with family before morals that they (or he) believe – basically, it’s their loss; we can wait – can they?
After the conversation Greg had with his Dad, I feel safe to assume that we will be going to Michigan in May. Greg was even looking at the baseball game schedule so we can ‘mark one off’ the list of stadiums to visit; it’s Greg’s goal to visit all the baseball stadiums in his lifetime.
Even though I am looking forward to this trip, I feel a little sad that Greg’s granddad is being so stubborn and selfish (slightly) about our life style (I can only imagine the email that would come from his granddad if he found out one of his children or grandchildren were gay). Really, how sad is it that someone is, more or less, refusing to see their own family members and the new ones because they aren’t living a morally approved life?
Meh. There’s nothing I, nor Greg, can do or say to change their mind. There old, stubborn, Southern people.
C’est la vie.