Paranoid

Does anyone out there believe, that in your dreams, your subconscious, your body/mind is telling you something?

I’m slightly freakin out over here.

At least two nights a week (7 day week) I have a pregnancy dream.

And, I’ve started to feel random, almost daily, twitches/spasms in the lower abdomen area.

Have I taken a pregnancy test?

Yes.

And?

Negative.

But, I don’t trust the pee-sticks.

Why?

Because they lied to me the last time I thought I was pregnant. Many times.

Other symptoms?

Some. Such as a sore boob (yes, boob – not boobs), just like the last time I thought I was pregnant – and it was the same boob! But, I blew that off as pre-menstrual happenings, and after a few days the soreness went a way (but, still at least a week before my cycle started).

I know what I need to do to clear my paranoia – order the blood test.

You know what? Something must be fucked up with my endocrine system when I don’t know, for a fact, when, and if, I am pregnant! My Mom was telling me she knew immediately when we were conceived. Everyone else I’ve ever talked to knew they were pregnant within weeks of conception. Me? Took about 30 weeks to learn – after a physical exam by a OB (I was probably about 4 weeks at the time of the exam, but he told me that he could “feel” as early as 2 weeks along), and 3-4 OTC pregnancy tests within a five month time span. Fucked up, right?

Needless to say, after my last experience with pregnancy, I am a bit paranoid.

Have I talked to Greg about this?

A little. He knew of the boob pain. He knows of the pregnancy dreams. But, he feels ‘safe’ because I had my cycle right on time (not even a day late or anything). And, from what I was taught (and I use that word lightly), you can’t have a cycle if you’re pregnant. Except, I don’t know if there is an exception for those on birth control (which causes another paranoia – what if I am pregnant, am I harming the baby because I’m still taking the BC?).

 

I know. I know.

 

I need to make an appointment and face my…

 

Except, I’m scared. Ignorance is bliss, but not if your subconscious is telling you something you can’t… err shouldn’t ignore. I’m scared to learn the truth; unless the truth is in my favor. If not, we’ll adjust. Plans will have to be changed, life will be a little more hectic and chaotic, but that’s life. “When life throws you lemons, make lemonade.” I’ve been thrown a lot of lemons these last 4 years, but I’ve also made a lot of deliciouslemonade. Look where I am now; I never thought that I would wed, separate, have a baby, get engaged, get divorced, and re-marry in a span of less than 5 years! Plus, all before I turn 30 years old; how about them ‘lemons’?

 

Either way, I’ve got to “pony up” and “just do it”.

 

Ha!